10 things movies teach us about Virus Outbreaks

Hot girls, psychos and heroes: all are immune to the impending swine flu viral apocalypse...

In case you haven't heard, we're all going to die. You, me, everyone we know, and possibly all our pets are all doomed to die from the latest in a long line of fatal pandemics, the swine flu. The experts are on TV every day relaying just how many more people in Victoria are infected (what are you guys doing down there?!) by swine flu, and gleefully telling us jsut close we are to inevitable porcine apocalypse. I, for one, look forward to dying from swine flu, just like I died from bird flu in 2006 and SARS in 2003.

Fortunately for me, I'm prepared for the upcoming viruspalooza. You see, I've watched dozens of virus-related disaster films, and I am as well prepared as anyone to survive any virus outbreak. I know how viruses work, I know how to combat them, and I know what symptoms to look for when someone I know gets infected. In order to expedite the rebuilding of civilization after the fall, I'll pass those tips along to you, dear Atomican, so that we may unite as one and get the Internet running again as fast as possible once the outbreak has run its course.

1. All viruses have a characteristic delivery system.
Your traditional natural virus is usually carried by monkeys, as in Outbreak. Even governmentally engineered biological weapon viruses are often monkey-borne. Monkeys are a very popular way for transporting viruses because monkeys are a lot like people physiologically, and monkeys are cute and funny. Take, for example, 28 Days Later. The hippies saw tat cuddly monkey in that cage, fawned over him, and let him out. As a result of their good deed, everyone died except for Cillian Murphy, and he was so traumatised by the experience of being threatened by Christopher Eccleston that he ended up so crazy he picked a fight with Batman. If you EVER see a monkey on the street, the best thing you can do is run away as quickly as you can, because nine times out of ten that monkey is rife with plague germs and evil. Even a disease-free monkey, like Ella in Monkey Shines, was still evil and murderous.

I understand that not everyone can afford monkeys. These days, with the recession, your average mad scientist has had to cut back on expenses. Monkey food, diapers, toys, monkey cages... the expenses just keep adding up, and mad science doesn't pay like it used to. That's okay, because the other storage system for potent killer viruses is something anyone can afford: fragile glass tubing. The T-Virus in Resident Evil was carried around in a fancy paperweight. Why would you lock your virus up behind Plexiglas walls when you could just pour it into someone's water glass and hand it off to Opie the clumsy deliveryman who just got done eating a bucket of grease-fried chicken?

The important thing is, you can't take any precautions at all to avoid your virus getting into the general public, or those precautions have to be so simple that even a turtle with head trauma can circumvent them, because science is crucial in any virus outbreak.

2. Science is always important.
Either science is directly responsible for your virus outbreak, as was the case in The Stand and 28 Days Later, or science is completely ineffectual at stopping the outbreak before it becomes an apocalyptic situation (and it WILL become an apocalyptic situation). There will always be someone at work slaving for a cure, because at least one biology professor or random geneticist will have enough physical fitness and demolitions prowess to withstand even the most harried and frenetic of post-virus calamities. In the event that a cure is finally discovered, it is guaranteed to be instantly effective at curing even the most virulently sick person in your ragtag band of racially, ethnically, and sociologically mixed survivors. It works doubly fast on the hero's love interest and/or child. Only unimportant children are allowed to die; if you know the child's name, then little (fill in the blank) will undoubtedly survive and be disgustingly precocious.