John Simpson explores how technophobes, stupid people and drunken pilots fit into the Atomican world.
Police were baffled by the death of a Sydney man. Upon arrival at the scene, the officers discovered the man's legs sticking out from under a tip truck, his head crushed by the fallen engine.
Piecing together the clues, the police concluded (by the socket wrench in his hand) that the man had been attempting to steal the truck's engine. But, lacking a fair amount of foresight, the thief loosened the bolts, causing the block to drop onto his head. A gruesome way to die, but not a great loss to the world's intellectual community by any stretch.
The Internet is chock full of these urban tales, some true and some fabricated (this story is presumably true -- it's logged in the Australian Police Journal). From the dead scuba diver stuck in a tree during a bushfire, to the woman who returns from holiday to find spiders hatching from under her scalp, urban myths have enjoyed a resurgence in the past decade.
Either the Internet has promoted the propagation of useless information, or the world is becoming progressively more stupid. Probably both.
More often than not, these stories revolve around people and technology. Stupid people seem to have a way of using technology in ways it's simply not meant to be used. It can be as harmless as the old lady who thanked the computer salesman for the slide-out cup holder, or as dangerous as the parachuting instructor that mistakenly strapped his camera's spare battery to his back (instead of a parachute). Technology has a way of skimming the scum from the gene pool.
As masters of our technological domains, we Atomicans avoid the skimmer completely, as we watch this fascinating display from the metaphorical pool deck. The computer is probably the most complicated piece of machinery in the house, and an Atomican can pretty well assemble one blindfolded in around 10.2 seconds (safety disengaged). But consider the rest of the buying public (unfortunately, it's true -- people that don't read Atomic are permitted to buy PCs). When it comes to computers, many of these people are just flying blind.
A study released last month showed that around half the people with a home computer have basically no idea what it can do. The research from the University of Queensland indicated that 53% of PC owners didn't fully understand how to use it, and '57% of those respondents said they were feeling stressed and anxious if and when they had to explore new features on their computer,' says Dr Neville Meyers, head researcher. Even more remarkable, 15% said they try to avoid using the computer at all.
Compare this to your regular Atomican. Tell them they can't switch on their hotbox for a day and watch the caffeinated beverage fly. It's akin to imposing water restrictions at a wet t-shirt competition -- usually resulting in tears and/or a bucketload of testosterone induced rage. You may as well try getting Lara Flynn Boyle to eat a bacon sandwich.
Anyway, you see my point. Maybe if the world were forced to subscribe to Atomic and read it cover-to-cover, we wouldn't have so many meaningless deaths under truck engines or elderly fingers caught in CD trays. Alternatively, maybe Atomicans could be deputized -- like in the old west -- and roam from house to house, checking for stupid use of technology. Payment could be in cookies, cheesecakes or endless adoration.
Sometimes, though, technological knowledge isn't enough. You also have to know when not to drink too much.
Like the pilot in Massachusetts that landed his plane and routinely locked the stick, then went for a few too many beers. Returning for another flight, he took off at an obscene angle, realising the control column was bolted in place. The key for the lock was on the same ring as the ignition key, so he had a choice: try and get the key off the ring, or pull out the keys and stop the engine.
In his drunken state, he pulled out the keys. While struggling to undo the lock, the plane fell into a nose dive, killing him upon impact. Investigators later found the keys loose on the floor, with the stick lock still in place.
I can see the headlines now: 'Police suspect tight ring and jammed stick cause accident.' Ooo, hellooo officer...
Issue: 133 | February, 2012