John Simpson wonders how much hype there would be over commercial Lego porn.
Computer game hype. I haven't seen so much posturing and chest beating since my last blind date. Every magazine, Website or tech editor is sprouting guff about how the next round of PC games will turn your eyeballs to putty, complete with specular highlights.
The two biggest offenders are the soon-to-be-released Half Life 2, and the venerable Doom 3. Suddenly all the world thinks they need the latest shader hardware. I can just see kids throwing tantrums in computer stores: 'But mum, I want THAT pixel shader!' It's as if the world's happiness hinges on dynamic lighting and soft shadows.
Media hype, of course, is nothing new. The movie business has been doing it for years, releasing snippets of special effects and promo sheets that read just like a porn star's resume (eg: 'biggest opening in history'). Booksellers are also jumping on the wagon, with more advertising dollars and media coverage poured into the latest Harry Potter book than a royal wedding. It was only a matter of time before computer games joined the party.
The biggest question is: will the games live up to the hype? As a fan of game AI, I remember watching a similar lead-up to the release of Lionhead's Black & White.
Previews suggested it would 'deliver an experience unlike any other' and herald a new age in computer autonomy.
Scoring an advance copy, one of my first thoughts was 'Lego people'? Then I met the creatures - all cute and mewy - and discovered that I should probably never be a father.
The number of times I whacked that little cow for eating villagers and crapping on houses defies belief. I guess it's little wonder it grew up to be red and horny (again, just like a porn star).
Anyway, suffice to say, the cow got my goat (ho ho, me so funny!). I'm hoping for an improvement in the next game, rather cleverly called Black & White 2. Previews say it's a vast improvement in graphics, AI and interaction. I just hope the creatures are smarter, or out comes the whacking stick.
As for the new games, D3 seems to be drawing the most attention, probably because its delivery date has changed more often than Julia Robert's potential husbands. And it also seems to be getting the most spin doctoring. Todd Hollenshead, CEO of id Software, said in their first press release: 'DOOM 3 will change what people expect to see and experience in a PC game.'
Well, I don't know about you, but I expect to see fantastic graphics and have a fully-immersive experience. Why will my expectations change with D3? Maybe he's really saying: 'Don't get your expectations too high, 'cause all you'll be getting is the same old stuff, plus more vertex shaded drool.' Sure, the 'leaked' screenshots look damn fine, and I can't believe John Carmack would release a new engine that doesn't cook GPUs. It's just that these days I'm. . . well. . . a little more skeptical.
Maybe it's time for the game companies to set an example and go against the hype. Play-down their future releases, so we're all pleasantly surprised. Here's an example (game companies, feel free to plagiarise):
'[Insert game name] is not overly exciting. The graphics look a little ordinary, mainly because our artists spent most of their time at the coffee shop. Polygon count averages between five and seven per character, but can rise dramatically to nine if facial expressions are required.
Game AI threatens to be unexciting, and occasionally stupid, with most opponents getting stuck behind doors or shooting each other. Dead characters will invariably have elbows or feet sticking through walls.
Physics takes a step backwards, literally, because we couldn't work out how to make the bad guys move forward. This should tie in well with the player's inability to turn his head.
Or weapon. Or move. Which we believe will add a significant challenge to overall gameplay.'
See? Now expectations are set so low, you're bound to get excited when you play the real thing - although they may have a problem selling the game at all. I guess it's hard to compete in a world where advertising is king and the hype merchants run out in front, flinging rose petals and blowing on big trumpets.Funny that -- again, just like porn stars.
Issue: 137 | June, 2012