Super John Simpson and his underpants - just seeing them on his head had us terrified.
Superheroes are cool. I knew this years ago: I'd spend all my pocket money on comic books and run around the house with my underpants on my face, thinking I could save the world. My front yard was Lower Manhattan, and the kids that jeered at my costume were the bad guys, just waiting to get webbed.
Not much has changed. I still spend my spare change on comics (now I call them collectables), and the underpants have been replaced by Clark Kent-style glasses. My house is a mini-statue shrine - porcelain icons in vivid colours, each straining to leap from their individually-numbered pedestals. And my cupboards bulge with memorabilia, including a tailored Superman costume (for those special occasions, as the girlfriend can attest).
Once, we superfanatics were ridiculed and mocked ('Underpants Man!' they'd say. 'How's your super smell?'). But with the popularity of movies such as XMen 2 and The Matrix Reloaded, suddenly we're not looking so dorky. It's as if the world has come to realize that people with super powers can be cool, even if their costumes aren't.
While we can thank the movies for raising superhero popularity, there's another medium that's pummeling it: computer games. Almost every game based on super characters has been dismal. Take the woeful Superman for the N64... I still shudder when I think of the poor, pixilated blob bouncing from building to building, crushing expectations faster than a speeding bulldozer. Then there's the Streetfighter rip-offs, pairing Marvel characters against Capcom. Never has Wolverine looked so prissy, and his costume so... ummm... comical.
Spiderman was an improvement, although web-swinging across an empty sky hardly screams realism. And the latest Superman: Man of Steel for the XBox really makes you believe a man can cry (run out of time: fall to knees and have a sook). I have trouble explaining to my girlfriend that Superman is invulnerable, when he keeps smacking his head on bridges and dying from laser blasts. Makes you feel about as super as Sandman with a stutter.
As technology progresses and superheroes continue to fill the limelight, there'll be an increasing market for these games. That's fine, just as long as we don't see repeats of previous efforts.
So, to help game makers build the perfect superhero game, here's some tips, straight from the hoarder's mouth:
1. Don't start the game with some lame-ass storyline about aliens invading earth, or how we got our powers. Aliens are so cliché, and we've already seen the movie.
2. If we fly, presumably we can do it without bumping into things. Give us automatic obstacle avoidance. Or at least blank the screen or make distracting noises if we hit something.
3. If we swing, remember that clouds aren't solid and our webs/ropes won't stick. Maybe fill the sky with blimps, or give us jetpacks.
4. Make all voice actors Jon Voight. Other voices suck.
5. When we punch things, we want the earth to shake. None of this girlie smack stuff. And things we punch should either bruise or burst.
6. We want to be able to pick up anything. Busses, buildings, foreign embassies. Superheroes should be equipped for urban planning.
7. We want reverence from the public - lots of 'oohs' and 'aahs' each time we jump or flex. Cheers are also acceptable, as are statues and shrines.
8. We want to be able to spin and dig - Superman digs in every movie, so we should too. For no apparent reason.
And finally, the most important part of being a superhero - we want to decide what we wear. Every superhero goes through their own costume-building exercise, and so should we. If we don't want a cape, we don't have to have a cape. If we're comfortable wearing underpants on our faces, then that's what we'll do. And no matter what we wear, the public will blindly accept it.
If game companies follow these simple steps, superhero games may start to rival the movies in popularity. Hell, they might even become the next big thing at Lanfests: everyone turns up in their own costumes, ready to sock it out in the virtual arena. Cape or no cape.
Sounds good, yeah? So, if you'll excuse me, I've got to rummage through my cupboard for my old costume. Then I'm going shopping for a new pair of underpants.
Issue: 133 | February, 2012