Random Thoughts

System suspended: The person is mightier than the CPU - Cheaters AnonymousBy Logan Booker

'Cheaterer! You pathetic, dirty cheaterer! You're so lucky you don't have a scrotum.'

If your computer had a byte for every time you accused it of a virtual swindling, you'd never have to delete porn off your drive to make space. No in-game NPC or protagonist is saved from 'Player's Wrath' -- only your defensless tower or monitor is on the receiving end of your physical abusing, instead of their software-based compatriots.

Obviously, it's not your hardware's fault. It's doing the same thing it's always done: read; compute; write. The offender here is the game you're running. It's either instructing your system to do things it can't (a bug), or demanding a degree of intelligence or wisdom from you (assumed knowledge, or player knowledge). At this point, any incomprehensible verbal slander you may have had in reserve is unleashed onto your pixelated personalities. Short of uninstalling the game from your system or deleting saves, there's not much else you can do. Sure, you can invent words that'd make Morte's skeletal cheeks turn red in embarrassment, but your litany of curses have no hope of intimidating a few thousand lines of code.

As tempting as the prospect is, something deep within your subconscious restrains you from going for the uninstall. Ever wondered why? I can tell you right now, because it's a question that's always had me by the nose, and I think I'm finally prepared to answer it.

I'm prepared because I've played against many AIs that blatantly cheat. If you think this of every game that slaps you upside the face, then the sad reality is that you're just crap at games. Most new games are quite legitimate in their play style. However, all AI players are blessed with two massive advantages that a human will never have: multitasking and omnipotence.

While you're clicking on your barracks to pump out a few hundred base infantry units, your AI opponent is dropping every building it can with the funds it has, and shooting out units to attack you. Keyboard shortcuts let you do perhaps two or three things at once, but more often than not, your attention will be divided. A computer sees all and knows all, and there isn't much you can do to fight this, other than throwing a few thousand animated soldiers to their deaths against its water-tight (or bullet-tight) defenses.

An AI opponent doesn't care about lag or slow system components. It'll still issue the same orders, and follow the same tactics. It just means you'll have less time to react as you click on your villager for the hundredth time, waiting for the little green selection circle to appear around him. All those wasted seconds do make a difference.

The first cloak-and-dagger computer opponent I ever played against was the original C&C AI. So inexcusable was some of its foul play, I almost resorted to cheating myself. The old sentiment of 'fight fire with fire' was appropriate as far as I was concerned. But then the old wheel and cog started a-chunking, and I got to thinking, 'If the computer is cheating, it's gotta be deficient in some area.'

It's an easily drawn conclusion: if the computer wasn't cheating, had the basic mental facilities inherent to all humans (that is the instinct and ability to survive and think logically), and the addition of its god-like knowledge, then it would win every game (with the exclusion of chaos theory and probability). However, as this is an accomplishment we'll probably never see in our life times, the computer must resort to other measures to make up for its Tank Rush TM script.

Lo and behold, twas the truth. I soon discovered the AI could build itself a new resource harvester immediately after its original was destroyed, so long as it had sufficient resources; it could place buildings outside the range of its other buildings; and when its harvesters unloaded, the dumped goods would instantly fill silos. Cheat, cheat, and, err. . . cheat.

So, the computer has poor resource management and can't expand quickly - reasonable inferences.

Fine, let's pound the mother.

The easiest strategy was to simply 'box' the computer in. Using sandbag walls, you could easily restrict the AI, so it couldn't expand or collect resources, effectively shutting it down. The AI was not smart enough to abuse its cheating powers, and so the map was won. With an example like this, the problems with the AI were painfully apparent, and the longevity of the game decreased for me after this. I finished the game, yes, but I never went back.

The multiplayer rocked though.

And the lesson learned? That no matter how smart an AI is, it will always cheat. Omnipotence is always there, as is the ability to multitask. A 'true' cheating AI is one that does things a normal human cheater would do. You need to remember that the computer has every single detail available to it, and thus has limited precognitive abilities. Always wondered why your brand new mining operation in Warcraft 3 gets trounced a minute after it's built - well, now you know.

Start a custom battle, and try expanding to a mine quickly at the start, and the computer will send everything it has to kill your operation. The force usually consists of a worker and a few first level melee units.

Despise your CPU? I know I do.

So, the reason why we don't obliterate dirty cheating games from our systems? The challenge. The thought that, if you can beat this, then you must be a decent player. You'd be insane to let a stupid, unfair computer opponent get you down, especially when you know there are players out there that can do worse. A computer opponent provides a board to throw ideas, strategies and techniques at, without the ridicule of friends if they don't come off so well. A computer AI is always available, and will provide 100 percent gameplay, 100 percent of the time.

And that's why, until the end of time, there'll be a market for bots in this age of MMORPGs and Counter-Strike.

Games cheat because the AI has been programmed by some lazy coder. Been engaged by a smart AI player? Or lost at a critical moment because the pathetic thing couldn't hack it? Email me your war stories at lbooker@atomicmpc.com.au.