Every game has its flaws, though sometimes you really have to reach to find them... here's what grinds our (Dwemer) gears about Skyrim.
Up until recently, my go-to, default, want-to-play-it-more-than-anything-else game was World of Tanks. So, when Battlefield 3 came along, I felt kinda guilty about leaving my Tiger II all alone in its garage, gathering dust. But... BF3! Mowing down the enemy with a bipod-stabilised M249! And it has tanks, too, so it’s not like I’m ignoring my deep love for AFVs.
Of course, in the ever relentless war of attrition that is Big Game Release Season, even BF3 has now fallen to the wayside.
Damn you Skyrim! Damn you all to hell – or Oblivion. Or... look, we don’t really mean that.
What I mean to say is that right now, I’d really rather be playing Skyrim. In fact, there are very few things I could be doing where that mindset wouldn’t apply. Partying with hookers and a tonne of blow? Yeah, I could actually spend that time levelling my Blacksmithing so I could unlock Arcane Smithing. Zero-G flight in Las Vegas? Well, really, I’ve already done that, and it’s time that I could spend getting even further hooked into the schemes of the Daedric Princes. Sitting here at work writing about it, instead of playing?
It’s like a special hell.
But for all that it has taken over my life (and the life of most everyone I know – a mess of my mates and I recently caught up a lovely bar in Newtown, and over martinis and pool, what do you think we spend four bloody hours talking about?), the game does have some interesting quirks. So, in the spirit of sharing, here’s our list of things we could really do without in Skyrim.
Bards suck. One of the great things about Skyrim as a setting is how grim it all is. It’s like half the code-base for the game is made of Norse Sagas instead of actual lines of commands. So it’s rather disappointing that every bard you come across is singing material that would seem more at home in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Given how great the game’s actual soundtrack is, the barely competent Ren Faire warblings of the average bard make me want to punch them in the neck. Thankfully, some quests actually reward you for doing that, and I’m *this close* to making a deep hatred of bards an uncontrollable character trait.
Skyrim needs better schooling. What is with all the mouthy kids? Is every Nord a terrible parent, letting their kids wander their halls/streets/mining facilities insulting strangers at will – and a heavily armed, obviously borderline psychopathic stranger trailing the blood of the dragon he’s just killed outside of town with every step? I have this idea that my character, Uhtred, is basically a goodguy, but I just know that at some point in the game he’s going to snap and beat up some Jarl’s kid and get thrown into jail.
Less Arnie, more variety. The first time you hear a Guard deliver his best Schwarzenegger impersonation, it’s funny. The hundredth time... not so much. We get that voicing an entire world full of talking NPCs is a helluva task, but it appears that there is such a thing as too much Austrian Weightlifter Accent. At this point in my time with Skyrim, walking through Whiterun is like being assaulted by a dozen Ranier Wolfcastle impersonators.
Wake up, you dozy Guards. Speaking of the Guards (easily the worst offenders in terms of accent abuse), I really wish they’d pay more attention. I love the fact that they’re making an effort to keep track of things in the towns they’re tasked to protect, but in all honesty, they suck at it.
Guard: Hey, aren’t you the new guy in the Companions?
Uhtred: No, actually, I am their Chief and Master now, you ignorant twat!
Guard: Aw, did somebody steal your sweetroll?
Uhtred: *explosion of rage*
Spousal lobotomy: As I’ve always said, I’d much rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy, but the single men and women of Skyrim seem to think differently. Marriage, if you follow that path, seems to come with a free personality removal, as it turns the fiercest of warriors – like, say, Aela the Huntress – into a meek housemaid. In fact, it’s actually kind of... offputting, and possibly the one thing we legitimately dislike about the game.
So, there’s our list of pet-hates – what do you guys think? Anything that grinds your dwemer gears?
Issue: 137 | June, 2012