Universe declared infinite, Illuminati mourns

In a surprising discovery made recently following the latest round of Hubble Space Telescope happy-snaps. Scientists at UCLA Berkeley and NASA have reported that Dark Matter, still one of the universe's greatest mysteries, is actually pushing the

In a surprising discovery made recently following the latest round of Hubble Space Telescope happy-snaps. Scientists at UCLA Berkeley and NASA have reported that Dark Matter, still one of the universe's greatest mysteries, is actually pushing the universe apart at an ever constant acceleration. For years scientists have believed that the outward expanding energy of the Big Bang would one day cease, and the universe would collapse in on itself; now it is believed, at least by those who buy into the Dark Matter theory, that the universe will instead simply expand into dissipation.

While scientists and astronomers where celebrating the universe's new found immortality, the secret powers-that-be behind 92 per cent of the world's governments are less than pleased. 'This is an economic disaster as far as long term planning is concerned,' said one shadowy figure from his office in Switzerland, cunningly placed lights rendering his face in shadow. 'Think about it - we've been steering the global economy and stockpiling cash since the fall of the Knights Templar, and our forecasts depend upon an eventual heat death of the universe.'

The Gnomes of Zurich has been particularly hard hit by this, and people who don't really exist on any official government census have been leaping from office tower windows by the dozens. The Gnomes, arguably the biggest financial arm of the Illuminati, have been spending money on researching alien technology horded since the Roswell Incident. 'We planned to have no money in our Cayman Island accounts when the universe went belly up, and now we find out that all that money we fuelled into NASA might well have been better saved for a rainy day,' said a Gnome investor huddling on a window ledge. 'For the love of Cthulhu, the batteries on the Chairman's cryotanks aren't rated for infinite operation.' Then he jumped.

Of course, scientists are still no closer to actually understanding what Dark Matter really is, and they could be wrong after all.