Competition: Brother Atomicans! The Command echelons have chosen five mighty champions - you get to choose which one will wield mighty Mortifax!
In the labs of the mighty Battle Barge Atomicus, there rests an artefact weapon of great power and lineage. Mortifax, the personal chainblade of the Astartes warrior Titus of the Ultramarines, Roboute's Own, awaits an owner.
Now, as fully-fledged Battle Brothers, you get to vote on which champion of the Chapter shall wield this legend made real. Please read these entries, detailing what each aspirant would do with Mortifax, carefully, then vote in our poll.
Soon... Mortifax will have a home!
The Bar Tale Mortifax would adorn the wall above my bar, always close at hand in the case of Xeno attack. In the event that someone were to ask for a low-carb beer or unman themself in some other outrageous fashion a quick glance between them and the glistening metallic teeth of Mortifax would be sure to convey the full strength of my disapproval. Mortifax would proudly serve as a constant reminder to patrons, guardsman or spacemarine lords, that there is only war, and beer. Glory to the Emperor! Glory to the Machine God!
The BOFH Tale LART (Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool) noun: In the collective mythos of scary devil monastery, this is an essential item in the toolkit of every Bastard Operator from Hell (BOFH). The LART classic is a 2x4 or other large billet of wood usable as a club, to be applied upside the head of spammers and other people who cause sysadmins more grief than just naturally goes with the job. Perennial debates rage on alt.sysadmin.recovery over what constitutes the truly effective LART; knobkerries, automatic weapons, flamethrowers, and tactical nukes all have their partisans. Mortifax is the perfect LART; big, heavy, and pointy. The BOFH who wields Mortifax will command the respect of all lusers, crushing their spirits just as easily as Orcish skulls.
The MultiTool Tale Worlds most reliable letter opener: "$350 Power Bill? Are we running the Golden Throne??" Kitchen Whiz Mixer: "Combine two eggs with half a cup of milk, and mix to the Emperors liking." Plastic Surgery Tools: "The 2% of your face I've left behind looks AMAZING!" Overly Enthusiastic Lumberjack Chainsaw: "The only thing safe in the woods are the trees!" Dentist Plaque Remover: "Plaque is a build up of lies on teeth who have lost their faith, so we generally shred the surrounding jaw to be safe..." Ear Cleaning Bud: "Easy..." *VROOM* "... Easy..." Pizza Cutter: "Pineapples?! BLASPHEMY!!" Date For Friday Night: "She seems kinda skinny..." *VRRROOOMMM!!* "Please don't make her angry." Political Platform: "Vote for me, or I'll gut every last one of you. :D" Makeshift Snowboard: "Didn't this hill have more trees yesterday?" "Yes... And more skiers, and less blood stains!" Harry Potter Wand: "AlaKaZoo!" "DIE, YOU NANCY BOY PSYKER!" *Horrid, wet, rending sounds.* Replacement Hand: "Groovy..." Space Marine Back Scratcher: "Lower... Lower... TOO LOW!!..... Lower" Conversation Starter For Ex-Girlfriends: "Is that a Chainsword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" "A little of both..." *Rending, bone tearing noises and screams!*
The Foodie Tale As it is written, so shall the foul denizens of the scullery fall beneath my blade, Mortifax. Be the foe broccoli, carrot, or the truly repugnant sprouts of the brussel, my endless wrath and fury shall conquer all. An endless tally will we reap, be it animal, vegetable or mineral. Fell the traitorous beetroot Fragment the potatoes of ancient evil Hack the thrice cursed beans Split the loathsome cauliflower A portal I shall open, heated to a temperature of not more than a fell nine score degree, and into its fiery ruin will I cast the lifeless husks of my enemies. All will fall, as the wheat before the scythe. Shear the heinous cucumber Slash the nefarious onion Destroy the vile spinach Lay waste the capsicum Nor shall the creatures of Terra escape my whirring blade. The meat of the fowl, the swine and the bovine will all sup from the chalice of pain that Mortifax offers. Brutal victual preparation will fall upon all in our way, this I swear. Only once all is as dinner before me shall I relent. So will the saga of Mortifax be writ for all time, and henceforth none shall doubt my culinary courage.
The Poetic Tale Draw me from scabbard and sheathe me in blood. This is my destiny, this is my purpose. An eternity of ruin and righteous vengeance against the foes of mankind. From the pale blue rim of Terra to the black essence of the warp, I bring destruction. I sow my wielder’s hate with generous zeal and reap for him a harvest in blood. Xenos, Daemon, Heretic and Traitor shall fall; Humanity shall rise, fortified in hate, succoured in gore. A prophet of war cloaked in sanctified steel, carving litanies of slaughter writ in alien blood. I demand only conviction, purity and faith And I’ll secure thee a tithe of enemy woe, drawn from their flesh, carved from the marrow of their bones. This is how I will be used. This is how I will be wielded. In the Emperor’s name, I am Mortifax, and my name is death To the foes of mankind.
Once your decision is made, click here to make your vote.
Issue: 137 | June, 2012