Turok, My Father

More by Logan Booker

Latest Opinions

By Logan Booker
10:57 May 27, 2008

I don’t think I could be a dinosaur hunter. Not like Turok.

He’s a man’s man, really he is. Not the sort of man’s man your granddad warns you about, but the type of muscled hero that’s not scared of anything. Not even the stinking, horrid mess at the bottom of your bin. The one you know you’ll eventually have to clean up, if only you could get within three metres of it without dry retching ad nauseam.

Yes, Turok is fearless, just like a pumpkin. Not even our scaly friends could convince his bowels to convert his underpants into a port-a-loo.

And I use the word ‘friends’ because that’s what they are. Well, what they were. As we all know, dinosaurs died out about 65 million years ago. It was because of a meteor, or dust, or the death of vegetation. Somehow they became extinct, just like the dodo or blue Pepsi.

So Turok, according to the latest game, comes face to face with these beastly quadrupeds. What’s the first thing he does? He stabs them in the head with his knife.

Now, I’m no expert on first encounters – just ask any of my numerous ex-girlfriends – but doesn’t one traditionally avoid the use of anything knife-shaped when confronted with the opportunity to examine a life form no human has seen like, ever? I know they have teeth and the intelligence of a rather smart dog, but just because Jurassic Park portrayed dinosaurs as a man-eating, Sam Neill-hunting fiends doesn’t mean that it’s true.

So yes, while Turok proved that he can dispose of creatures twice his size and weight with nothing but a serrated edge and a mohawk, he also demolished any future avenues for diplomatic relations.

What Turok should have done is opened with scones. That’s right, I said scones. Nothing calms me down more than a freshly baked bready treat. Jam and cream is a plus, but I can make do with a slice of butter and a spot of tea. True, archaeological studies have shown that dinosaurs came in one of three varieties – herbivores, carnivores or a mix of the two – but even the most hardcore of vegans have collapsed under the weight of those flour-dusted buns.

If, for some crazy reason, they’re not partial to scones – it’s cool. Sternly-worded letters, or even just letters that suggest you want to be stern, have worked wonders. No stop sign before that nasty crest? Letter to the local member. Rent is too high? Fire off a parchment full of strong adjectives to your landlord. Heck, you could even wrap a scone with your letter and send that.

See Turok, you don’t have to be a dinosaur hunter. You could have been a dinosaur ambassador or friend of the dinosaur. But no, you had to go all Crocodile Dundee on their arses and now we’re flushing the damn things from the rafters with brooms.

Next time you’re faced with an extinct species, think twice about drawing that blade of yours. In fact, swap that grenade bandolier for a picnic hamper and let me know how you go.

Ads by Google

Latest Competitions

Thermaltake kicks off your gaming year with a BANG
Thermaltake has started off the new year with a bang by giving away a Tt eSport Theron Laser mouse to not one or two, but TWENTY lucky Atomicans!

Atomic Magazine

Issue: 133 | February, 2012

Atomic is a magazine aimed squarely at computer enthusiasts, gamers, and serious PC upgraders.

Every month we bring you the latest reviews of new technology and PC components, in depth features on everything from overclocking to console hacking, and gaming previews and interviews.

What's in this issue?